So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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