I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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