Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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