I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize