Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you traded sex for a burrito?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
