life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Dick very happy bro
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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