i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
