I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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