there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
