Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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