Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
