So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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