the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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