I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
