My Higher Power is John Stamos
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize