you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
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