Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
