Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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