I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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