where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
