I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
