I just saw a hot homeless man
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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