You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
