What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
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