Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
