I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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