did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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