new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
