i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
