pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
