i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Randomize
