Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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