omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
MIDGETS
????
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
