ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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