I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize