I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
