I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
whose ass print is on the piano?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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