I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
