There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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