happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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