If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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