i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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