if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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