So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
