one two three fourrrrnication!
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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