Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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