Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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