I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
