Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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