The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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