Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
