Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
