I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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